"That one day, you/ll see that a hero lies in you"
Listening to Mayday Parade songs again...You're dead wrong and Terrible things. Both bring so much memories, the former describes how i feel exactly...what used to be a plain of life now stands a bed a black roses. Been trading places with the ghost in me, till im pretty sick. 'She's got all my dreams,all i have are these broken things'. Hah~ walked through the rain again just now~ Didn't realize is was raining till i was half drenched -.-but at least now i feel much lighter and free. Going for a weekend escape, not to anywhere extravagant. Have things to do to take my mind off my frustrations like taking care of a bunch of kids =___=. Christmas just around the corner...Hopefully my other wish can come true,and my recurring nightmare can end. Always the same dream, just getting clearer and clearer each time~
Really miss my dearest friend... used to be able to talk to you about anything and everything playfully, now its just a mournful atmosphere between us. want to close the distance again.Miss how it was for us before...sorry for all the crap i have said and done before...want the closeness back :/ know i've lotsa faults, no place to ask but stay,please? :'(
Listening to a lot of songs...especially this one too. I will always love you by whitney houston. I feel like i'm caught in a rut. Cant go forward, too late to go backwards. Confused , dont know what to do. Just wish sometimes people could tell me how they really feel about me... As direct as they can handle. Dont want to always guess what they are thinking...hate this guessing game already i swear. Its okay if its for joy ,fun and laughter, but not when heavier feelings are involved. Shall just take it as my karma~ bear with the consequence of the mistakes i've made. I want to stop always saying sorry, but no... Feels like if i stay, i'll only get in your way.Mayday Parade done a good job about teaching me alot of things...
Saturday, 17 May 2014
Friday, 16 May 2014
It's her again..
I guess soon enough i will replace my original site back to this.Only a few people know what it is and i really needed that time of privacy to .. really get things off my mind.
Recover is faster than i expected, he came just as quickly as he went. But still...I guess it means he will come whenever i face huge traumas. Talk about a built in protector huh. Now there is his presence whenever i'm sad, guilty,angry, tired even. Jealous maybe, envious sometimes. Managed to push him all the way to the back of my head yesterday. I won the battle but i think...I haven't won the war yet. I'm left with a numbed mind...the kind anti depressants make you feel. My heart feels stone hard again. I don't have my usual full range of emotions... There's that limit to how happy and how sad i can become. Now i'm back a little to being chatty but... not all of me is back yet. And it won't be so quickly after all. This one instance did take a huge toll on me.
"I'm supposed to be the soldier, who never blows his composure. Even though i hold the weight of the whole world on my shoulder,i ain't supposed to show it, my crew ain't supposed to know it. Even if it means going toe-to-toe with a benzino it don't matter, I'd never drag 'em in battle that i can handle unless i absolutely have to i'm supposed to set an example"
-Eminem,Like Toy Soldiers
This line speaks to me so much. I find it pathetic that I am supposed to be a leader,from NCC even, the one that swore i would never let anyone feel the way i did before. What's happening now? I can't really feel anything now but i can feel the same brute anger now directed at myself in my heart and that and, yeah. I feel like a bum. Just utterly useless.
Damage is done, hurting and still hurting, i'm still angry. What should have been sobbed over,I cried my part. I feel...drained. I'm doing all i can to get up and i don't know, it feels as if its not enough. There's something or someone missing.
Tonight i sit out under the stars again and i see a very familiar person. i haven't seen her since...I was in pri 5? It's been many years and she still looks like the prettiest girl i've ever met. Plus a really kind heart,sensitive and family-oriented. Too bad i played with her then.
How have you been Hillary?
Recover is faster than i expected, he came just as quickly as he went. But still...I guess it means he will come whenever i face huge traumas. Talk about a built in protector huh. Now there is his presence whenever i'm sad, guilty,angry, tired even. Jealous maybe, envious sometimes. Managed to push him all the way to the back of my head yesterday. I won the battle but i think...I haven't won the war yet. I'm left with a numbed mind...the kind anti depressants make you feel. My heart feels stone hard again. I don't have my usual full range of emotions... There's that limit to how happy and how sad i can become. Now i'm back a little to being chatty but... not all of me is back yet. And it won't be so quickly after all. This one instance did take a huge toll on me.
"I'm supposed to be the soldier, who never blows his composure. Even though i hold the weight of the whole world on my shoulder,i ain't supposed to show it, my crew ain't supposed to know it. Even if it means going toe-to-toe with a benzino it don't matter, I'd never drag 'em in battle that i can handle unless i absolutely have to i'm supposed to set an example"
-Eminem,Like Toy Soldiers
This line speaks to me so much. I find it pathetic that I am supposed to be a leader,from NCC even, the one that swore i would never let anyone feel the way i did before. What's happening now? I can't really feel anything now but i can feel the same brute anger now directed at myself in my heart and that and, yeah. I feel like a bum. Just utterly useless.
Damage is done, hurting and still hurting, i'm still angry. What should have been sobbed over,I cried my part. I feel...drained. I'm doing all i can to get up and i don't know, it feels as if its not enough. There's something or someone missing.
Tonight i sit out under the stars again and i see a very familiar person. i haven't seen her since...I was in pri 5? It's been many years and she still looks like the prettiest girl i've ever met. Plus a really kind heart,sensitive and family-oriented. Too bad i played with her then.
How have you been Hillary?
Thursday, 15 May 2014
Recovery
It's pathetic really. I thought finally i could stand on my own two feet. Without having someone else worry about me, that i can carry my own weight and more. I thought that i really recovered..
Today is probably the most productive ever. 5 Hours of nonstop thinking, and I came up with so many theories and ways to speed up the fight. All that thinking speeds up the recover. Focusing on the good stuff... The most important being me connecting the two mindsets together. I would have just kept on thinking anyway...the whole day my mind felt really numb. Like the effects of anti-depressants. Nothing went and I just felt like i was in daze the whole day. The 3 hours of class honestly felt more like a full day to me... but at least now i'm able to speak a litte better than yesterday. Not as many panic attacks but that worries me. They may come back tomorrow when my head is clearer. My head really hurts now after the nap. And yes i managed a proper nap. Still had a dream, what i saw got me intrigued.Now now, don't judge me for writing this. Every thing was really blurred,like i was half conscious, the kind just before you pass out? I saw an angel descend upon me. I saw the wings, Her figure. She has about...shoulder length hair and was wearing a white dress but i couldn't make out her face. Then i just woke up in shock. I guess i really calmed down after that. My speech became a little more comprehensible but the daze is gone. Headache's still there. My memories are getting clearer.A PROPER DAMN CHAIN OF THOUGHT IS FORMING.
Its pretty essential for me to..go through this alone too. What if i have dependence on someone now, then because of them i can get back up,and when they leave i'll just break apart again?
I like Eminem's line. I guess we would have to walk a mile in each other's shoes at least. What size you wear? I wear 10, lets see if you can fit your feet. This line. I dont know it motivates me It's like some challenge. you are here for a reason, let's see if you can live up to it.
There's a huge shitload i want to tell to some people...things i cant bear to write. Things i cant bear to say but only when you're alone with me. Ifeel that urge now. My mind must be wearing thin..
And look. I just found something worth going all out for.
Today is probably the most productive ever. 5 Hours of nonstop thinking, and I came up with so many theories and ways to speed up the fight. All that thinking speeds up the recover. Focusing on the good stuff... The most important being me connecting the two mindsets together. I would have just kept on thinking anyway...the whole day my mind felt really numb. Like the effects of anti-depressants. Nothing went and I just felt like i was in daze the whole day. The 3 hours of class honestly felt more like a full day to me... but at least now i'm able to speak a litte better than yesterday. Not as many panic attacks but that worries me. They may come back tomorrow when my head is clearer. My head really hurts now after the nap. And yes i managed a proper nap. Still had a dream, what i saw got me intrigued.Now now, don't judge me for writing this. Every thing was really blurred,like i was half conscious, the kind just before you pass out? I saw an angel descend upon me. I saw the wings, Her figure. She has about...shoulder length hair and was wearing a white dress but i couldn't make out her face. Then i just woke up in shock. I guess i really calmed down after that. My speech became a little more comprehensible but the daze is gone. Headache's still there. My memories are getting clearer.A PROPER DAMN CHAIN OF THOUGHT IS FORMING.
Its pretty essential for me to..go through this alone too. What if i have dependence on someone now, then because of them i can get back up,and when they leave i'll just break apart again?
I like Eminem's line. I guess we would have to walk a mile in each other's shoes at least. What size you wear? I wear 10, lets see if you can fit your feet. This line. I dont know it motivates me It's like some challenge. you are here for a reason, let's see if you can live up to it.
There's a huge shitload i want to tell to some people...things i cant bear to write. Things i cant bear to say but only when you're alone with me. Ifeel that urge now. My mind must be wearing thin..
And look. I just found something worth going all out for.
Wednesday, 14 May 2014
Well...unlucky
First day again with him in my head. Today was...especially hard to say the least. I didn't dare to go too near anyone or to laugh too happily and I had to keep away from anything that might upset me because every single moment i can feel him there...struggling to surface. I kept feeling anxious the whole day for no reason. Made worse by the fact I almost did not sleep last night...and it was a big big must to isolate myself from them. He fully surfaced twice but because of something. I don't really know what that was but he surfaced and went back down again. Once in class, when i was taking the first nap and once outside,after the lecture. And both times i didn't dare to look at anyone in the eye. It's strange and really stupid how things can take such a huge change in just a week.And even now as i write he fights and i can feel his presence there. I'm impatient to have this done and over with but if i'm sloppy i might not recover fully and that scares me. Once is bad, twice is horrible and i dont want a third. I guess the scariest part was on the bridge. He knew that the person that caused me to relapse was nearby and he was really ready to attack and i guess... i gripped my palm too hard :/
I don't know anymore. This DID... did my research on it. MDD too. And i display quite a range of symptoms there. Blank memories...constant headaches. Violent tendencies. Doing things i normally wont. Severe Isolation. Stupidly huge mood swings.Panic attacks.All that.It's really fucking scary to face it alone. My head is never at rest so i tire especially quickly. And worse still the nightmares doesnt stop. I dont dare to fall asleep...I dont dare to talk to people.This is getting nowhere. It'll take maybe weeks to get out of this, maybe have the situation improve a little. Maybe by some miracle someone can come by and like give me the reason to fight on. This time...I don't exactly have a pillar of support to rely on. i mean sure i have friends and all but I need someone there when my emotions run high and I get unstable. It can actually even be something that makes me recover faster.
But...I found two ways to exploit my proper side. Music. Piano music, yiruma, sungha, all that. And people. I even made a collage so hopefully everytime i feel unstable, i can look at the picture and remind myself to be there for those people. Hopefully. I really miss being able to talk to people face to face without being scared of going crazy right there and then.
For now...there's that permenant etch of fear there and it gets heavier every time i feel guilty or angry...the biggest reason i dont want to talk to anyone about this. Here i can still scream stuff out and whether you want to read it...doesnt concern me. The more morbid stuff...will be left to my original blog.
I don't know anymore. This DID... did my research on it. MDD too. And i display quite a range of symptoms there. Blank memories...constant headaches. Violent tendencies. Doing things i normally wont. Severe Isolation. Stupidly huge mood swings.Panic attacks.All that.It's really fucking scary to face it alone. My head is never at rest so i tire especially quickly. And worse still the nightmares doesnt stop. I dont dare to fall asleep...I dont dare to talk to people.This is getting nowhere. It'll take maybe weeks to get out of this, maybe have the situation improve a little. Maybe by some miracle someone can come by and like give me the reason to fight on. This time...I don't exactly have a pillar of support to rely on. i mean sure i have friends and all but I need someone there when my emotions run high and I get unstable. It can actually even be something that makes me recover faster.
But...I found two ways to exploit my proper side. Music. Piano music, yiruma, sungha, all that. And people. I even made a collage so hopefully everytime i feel unstable, i can look at the picture and remind myself to be there for those people. Hopefully. I really miss being able to talk to people face to face without being scared of going crazy right there and then.
For now...there's that permenant etch of fear there and it gets heavier every time i feel guilty or angry...the biggest reason i dont want to talk to anyone about this. Here i can still scream stuff out and whether you want to read it...doesnt concern me. The more morbid stuff...will be left to my original blog.
Tuesday, 13 May 2014
Complications.
So there was this girl. She's... sweet, beautiful, pretty , bubbly and quite the joy to be with( quite the feisty spirit when annoyed too), and has high standards for others so she knows she will not befriend the wrong company. Lets say what i saw in her was...she was special. The first girl i saw that i actually considered, a lady.Guess i have higher standards for etiquettes? Saw the grace and beauty i rarely see nowadays. This is a girl. Not some slut or bimbo i see so often.
Just that one day i saw her down, turned me into a careless fanatic rambling about how i would protect her, how i would let her stand again then slowly go away. Didn't expect my boorish heart to get in the way... Soon all i knew was, i had fallen for her. Not the silly crush that kids have on each other, but a deep, quiet feeling. Inexplicably, i tried my hardest to help her up. Quite the bumpy road with lots of obstacles...but i guess she did move on. We had became close friends, sometimes she would tell me about her problems and so would i. I'd try make her laugh whenever she looked down at the floor while we walked. I took her as a lover, but she saw me only as a friend.It all amounted to a one-sided feeling...from me. I took every chance, but the words would always die in my throat. Cowardice was something i hated yet someone i am...
One fine day, we really quarreled for the first time. The light of my life burned me and left me blinded. I didn't understand a thing, why she was saying and why she needed time apart. Left...crumbled. I didn't get why she was soon also, hot and cold. Sometimes the sweetest person on earth, then as if i killed somebody. I couldn't do anything, i tried my best to understand but alas, nothing.All i could do was watch from the side as she soon drifted further and further away from me, closer and closer to another guy. He was able to make her smile, he was able to make her forget the pain and most of her, he could say he loved her,as much as she did for him. All these happened right before my very eyes. Pathetically gripping the air, trying to pull the drifted back.
How my heart aches now... We were the best of friends and now i am lucky to even be considered her friend.As much as i would have wanted her to be mine, i'd value her happiness over mine...whatever choice she chooses, guess all i can do is smile and give her my encouragement...I guess it was because i was too weak for her.Now at the least, I can give her a strong front and hopefully she'll see that I am really happy for her so she doesn't have to worry anymore. On my side, i'll keep and rewind those dusty,long-lost moments whenever i feel down, and maybe try to get over that day. Perhaps a wish i would die to have, was just one thing...how she really felt about me when she turned back as she walked away hand in hand with him. Somehow i can't believe... that we weren't meant to be together..Maybe. Someday maybe.
**
'(He's cute...but no. Its not possible for us) "A bad day...just broke up. Have been with him for so damn long. So lost...what am i supposed to do now? Who can i turn to when i'm down? I miss him so-"
"Heys~" A gentle voice woke me from my thoughts. A pair of soft eyes from this boy who somehow noticed me... "You okay?" and that's where everything began...
We'd gotten to know each other more. He was really quite the kind soul, unlike any other guy i met. Sincere unlike all the other assholes who'd only stay for a game. I find how he approached me for the first time really cute. He really tiptoed over to me so he won't disturb me. But well...i'm honestly scared. I don't want to fall for another heartbreaker., another cheap player. I knew, he was different from all the rest and he said he had feelings for me. His was...love? I could feel it coming from him...literally. It was just coming off him and the way he looked at me like I was the only thing that mattered to him.He showered me with all his attention and time, cheered me when i was down and all the sweetest things a boy could do for a girl. He was a total dork too! A real sweetheart. Yes, i had an infatuation growing for him... but i didnt want to give him the wrong idea, so i treated him more like a friend. I mean...how long can an infatuation last?
One day. Out of the blue, we quarreled. For the littlest thing..I was just a little annoyed and tired that day and he stepped on my toes.. and maybe it was a little harsh of me but i shouted at him.He became desperate, like someone i never met before when, its really then how much i realised i meant to him. I realised he never wanted to see me cry again...He let tears fall infront of me, his pain-stained tears... I was the heart breaker this time. It hurt me more this time...i wanted to cry too. I finally realised I loved him too.. But i've did enough. I dont want to hurt him anymore...i knew i wasn't good enough for someone like him...i realised i loved him too but i couldn't stay for him...he should not be crying for trash like me when there are better girls out there...for him.
I purposely got close to another guy, and avoided him completely at times.I wanted him to let go of me but he was persistent. Until that day...i held the other guy's hand and walked away from him. I saw the hurt in his eyes...the feeling came back in my chest. But no...it was horrible, an explosion in my heart.I could only take a glance back as i walked hand in hand with this other guy knowing that i'm walking away from the boy of my dreams... But now its too late to solve it isn't it. I miss being in his arms..
I miss writing like this.
Just that one day i saw her down, turned me into a careless fanatic rambling about how i would protect her, how i would let her stand again then slowly go away. Didn't expect my boorish heart to get in the way... Soon all i knew was, i had fallen for her. Not the silly crush that kids have on each other, but a deep, quiet feeling. Inexplicably, i tried my hardest to help her up. Quite the bumpy road with lots of obstacles...but i guess she did move on. We had became close friends, sometimes she would tell me about her problems and so would i. I'd try make her laugh whenever she looked down at the floor while we walked. I took her as a lover, but she saw me only as a friend.It all amounted to a one-sided feeling...from me. I took every chance, but the words would always die in my throat. Cowardice was something i hated yet someone i am...
One fine day, we really quarreled for the first time. The light of my life burned me and left me blinded. I didn't understand a thing, why she was saying and why she needed time apart. Left...crumbled. I didn't get why she was soon also, hot and cold. Sometimes the sweetest person on earth, then as if i killed somebody. I couldn't do anything, i tried my best to understand but alas, nothing.All i could do was watch from the side as she soon drifted further and further away from me, closer and closer to another guy. He was able to make her smile, he was able to make her forget the pain and most of her, he could say he loved her,as much as she did for him. All these happened right before my very eyes. Pathetically gripping the air, trying to pull the drifted back.
How my heart aches now... We were the best of friends and now i am lucky to even be considered her friend.As much as i would have wanted her to be mine, i'd value her happiness over mine...whatever choice she chooses, guess all i can do is smile and give her my encouragement...I guess it was because i was too weak for her.Now at the least, I can give her a strong front and hopefully she'll see that I am really happy for her so she doesn't have to worry anymore. On my side, i'll keep and rewind those dusty,long-lost moments whenever i feel down, and maybe try to get over that day. Perhaps a wish i would die to have, was just one thing...how she really felt about me when she turned back as she walked away hand in hand with him. Somehow i can't believe... that we weren't meant to be together..Maybe. Someday maybe.
**
'(He's cute...but no. Its not possible for us) "A bad day...just broke up. Have been with him for so damn long. So lost...what am i supposed to do now? Who can i turn to when i'm down? I miss him so-"
"Heys~" A gentle voice woke me from my thoughts. A pair of soft eyes from this boy who somehow noticed me... "You okay?" and that's where everything began...
We'd gotten to know each other more. He was really quite the kind soul, unlike any other guy i met. Sincere unlike all the other assholes who'd only stay for a game. I find how he approached me for the first time really cute. He really tiptoed over to me so he won't disturb me. But well...i'm honestly scared. I don't want to fall for another heartbreaker., another cheap player. I knew, he was different from all the rest and he said he had feelings for me. His was...love? I could feel it coming from him...literally. It was just coming off him and the way he looked at me like I was the only thing that mattered to him.He showered me with all his attention and time, cheered me when i was down and all the sweetest things a boy could do for a girl. He was a total dork too! A real sweetheart. Yes, i had an infatuation growing for him... but i didnt want to give him the wrong idea, so i treated him more like a friend. I mean...how long can an infatuation last?
One day. Out of the blue, we quarreled. For the littlest thing..I was just a little annoyed and tired that day and he stepped on my toes.. and maybe it was a little harsh of me but i shouted at him.He became desperate, like someone i never met before when, its really then how much i realised i meant to him. I realised he never wanted to see me cry again...He let tears fall infront of me, his pain-stained tears... I was the heart breaker this time. It hurt me more this time...i wanted to cry too. I finally realised I loved him too.. But i've did enough. I dont want to hurt him anymore...i knew i wasn't good enough for someone like him...i realised i loved him too but i couldn't stay for him...he should not be crying for trash like me when there are better girls out there...for him.
I purposely got close to another guy, and avoided him completely at times.I wanted him to let go of me but he was persistent. Until that day...i held the other guy's hand and walked away from him. I saw the hurt in his eyes...the feeling came back in my chest. But no...it was horrible, an explosion in my heart.I could only take a glance back as i walked hand in hand with this other guy knowing that i'm walking away from the boy of my dreams... But now its too late to solve it isn't it. I miss being in his arms..
I miss writing like this.
An ecstatic pain indeed.
Close your eyes. Think of one person. No name is being mentioned, but someone does appear right? That's probably the person you care for the most right now.
Now think of a situation where you are about to lose your life. Who comes to mind? This time, it probably is the people who you care for subconsciously.
When i close mine, it's filled with all the people i toyed with in the past. They all have the same, downcast expression. Empty eyes, a frown of pain. It makes me feel...i don't know. The guilt just stacks higher and higher with every person i manipulate, conscious or unconsciously. Urgh... I want to wipe the faces off these memories, but i know they will haunt me worse than now. So i keep them but the guilt slowly builds. And now, i want an escape route. No way out of my own head as these memories slowly close in on me, surrounding me, smothering me. Their pain flows out like poison, wisping the air and sparking into my body. Every strain another pain, every tear another fear. Layers of thinking and thoughts build. I used to be able to hold and switch between almost 15 layers. Now after the breakdown, only 6 with reduced focus. It's... Scary. When the rest of the layers are not controlled by me, or at least this me. Confused of my feelings when so many layers are moving about. All these people...no way i can do anything to atome for my mistake. They'll just hold a place of regret in my heart. Almost a hundred of them...
But when it comes to the scenario of death, only... My family, my brothers, and the closest friends come to mind. Thank God it is always just a number of people. I can't thank God more for these people. Even so...i feel like i'm more of a burden to them, like everything i do is going to bring more harm than good in the long run. I try and try but it's never enough. I fight all these while but it seems...it never was the right thing to do. What's the point...
All i think is, what did i do wrong? What right have i ever done? Sorry for ever hurting. I should have done this, i should have done that. Was what i did right? Then i realise. Every thing i do, is going to hurt someone. I can't please the world. Every step i take will kill another. This is the world we live in, where only the fittest survive.
Yet...i'm this weak.
Caring is all about doing things for a person, to make that person smile and all that's best for the person, to have a feeling of care for the person, right?
I wish it was that childish.
Here's the irony of people. Some love to leave, others leave to love. I got both. But only recently...i had to do the latter. I knew what would happened if we continued. I chose the harsher way... Regrets now, but better than regrets later.
Caring also means doing things to make someone happy. Even if it means leaving, walking away at their lowest, if it means they become better, i'll still do it. The end matters more than now...
Even if it means to nag. To argue. To give. To sacrifice. To let. Just giving is caring, but still...i feel like. No matter how much i try for others, people will never be satisfied. I already lost two people dear to me. I can't afford to lose anymore... Like how i was selfish. How i thought my way would work but instead, everything screwed up. Now i'm left here...torn. Broken. Lost.
Love is defined differently by every person. Another might find love in a perosn they care for. For me, it is to see that genuine smile of that person after she has gone through a tough time, to take care of the person emotionally. Till the end. My first marraige to be my only.
It is when i feel bliss with the person and not just comfort around. Bliss came to me only once. When i held her in my arms, and saw her smile and her feeling secure.That is what adults call puppy love. That's my definition of it. No real meaning, as long as it can give me bliss.
Feelings are really...messed up. Its not of time but now all i can want is that someone to be there for me. Maybe not physically, that'll be a bonus. Just that...someone. I don't know how i should be feeling. So many layers are overlapping. When is the last time someone said those words to me? When was the last time i felt secure and safe? When was really the time i felt... Like someone was my support? I've supported many, i've seen them recover and take better. I can't even help myself...Stress is going to build up. And knowing a little of psychology myself, a person will almost always look back on something he did not have in his yesteryears. Now i'm caving in.
People say, when you have no one to rely on, rely on yourself. Did that, been there, done that. Now even on myself i feel the strain.Now i wish...i could have someone i feel i love, and love me in return to support me. But the people whom it actually happened that i have true mutual feelings with, have already left. Last run...
Laugh at me, hate me, dislike me. In the end, i earn a spot in your mind, while you earn a spot somewhere in "wait for me to give a fuck"
Underneath that happy mask, is really...someone yearning for the attention of someone he cares for. Childish. But it's something i missed when i was much younger, when i was at the most critical part of my growing. Nobody to blame but myself. People say it's not my priority. But it's something i want unconsciously. So much like a kid right?
Now think of a situation where you are about to lose your life. Who comes to mind? This time, it probably is the people who you care for subconsciously.
When i close mine, it's filled with all the people i toyed with in the past. They all have the same, downcast expression. Empty eyes, a frown of pain. It makes me feel...i don't know. The guilt just stacks higher and higher with every person i manipulate, conscious or unconsciously. Urgh... I want to wipe the faces off these memories, but i know they will haunt me worse than now. So i keep them but the guilt slowly builds. And now, i want an escape route. No way out of my own head as these memories slowly close in on me, surrounding me, smothering me. Their pain flows out like poison, wisping the air and sparking into my body. Every strain another pain, every tear another fear. Layers of thinking and thoughts build. I used to be able to hold and switch between almost 15 layers. Now after the breakdown, only 6 with reduced focus. It's... Scary. When the rest of the layers are not controlled by me, or at least this me. Confused of my feelings when so many layers are moving about. All these people...no way i can do anything to atome for my mistake. They'll just hold a place of regret in my heart. Almost a hundred of them...
But when it comes to the scenario of death, only... My family, my brothers, and the closest friends come to mind. Thank God it is always just a number of people. I can't thank God more for these people. Even so...i feel like i'm more of a burden to them, like everything i do is going to bring more harm than good in the long run. I try and try but it's never enough. I fight all these while but it seems...it never was the right thing to do. What's the point...
All i think is, what did i do wrong? What right have i ever done? Sorry for ever hurting. I should have done this, i should have done that. Was what i did right? Then i realise. Every thing i do, is going to hurt someone. I can't please the world. Every step i take will kill another. This is the world we live in, where only the fittest survive.
Yet...i'm this weak.
Caring is all about doing things for a person, to make that person smile and all that's best for the person, to have a feeling of care for the person, right?
I wish it was that childish.
Here's the irony of people. Some love to leave, others leave to love. I got both. But only recently...i had to do the latter. I knew what would happened if we continued. I chose the harsher way... Regrets now, but better than regrets later.
Caring also means doing things to make someone happy. Even if it means leaving, walking away at their lowest, if it means they become better, i'll still do it. The end matters more than now...
Even if it means to nag. To argue. To give. To sacrifice. To let. Just giving is caring, but still...i feel like. No matter how much i try for others, people will never be satisfied. I already lost two people dear to me. I can't afford to lose anymore... Like how i was selfish. How i thought my way would work but instead, everything screwed up. Now i'm left here...torn. Broken. Lost.
Love is defined differently by every person. Another might find love in a perosn they care for. For me, it is to see that genuine smile of that person after she has gone through a tough time, to take care of the person emotionally. Till the end. My first marraige to be my only.
It is when i feel bliss with the person and not just comfort around. Bliss came to me only once. When i held her in my arms, and saw her smile and her feeling secure.That is what adults call puppy love. That's my definition of it. No real meaning, as long as it can give me bliss.
Feelings are really...messed up. Its not of time but now all i can want is that someone to be there for me. Maybe not physically, that'll be a bonus. Just that...someone. I don't know how i should be feeling. So many layers are overlapping. When is the last time someone said those words to me? When was the last time i felt secure and safe? When was really the time i felt... Like someone was my support? I've supported many, i've seen them recover and take better. I can't even help myself...Stress is going to build up. And knowing a little of psychology myself, a person will almost always look back on something he did not have in his yesteryears. Now i'm caving in.
People say, when you have no one to rely on, rely on yourself. Did that, been there, done that. Now even on myself i feel the strain.Now i wish...i could have someone i feel i love, and love me in return to support me. But the people whom it actually happened that i have true mutual feelings with, have already left. Last run...
Laugh at me, hate me, dislike me. In the end, i earn a spot in your mind, while you earn a spot somewhere in "wait for me to give a fuck"
Underneath that happy mask, is really...someone yearning for the attention of someone he cares for. Childish. But it's something i missed when i was much younger, when i was at the most critical part of my growing. Nobody to blame but myself. People say it's not my priority. But it's something i want unconsciously. So much like a kid right?
Monday, 12 May 2014
Beauty of the acoustics
Finally! After so much of long, painful practices, i finally can add mood, tone and emotions into my songs! Wanted to reflect the beauty of fingerstyle to everyone that listens because its really tough to pick up one, two it simply is a pleasure for me to watch the both hands so agile on the fretboard and the strings~ cant get enough of it...thats porn to me XDD but at the extent of bleeding fingers... Its worth the pain >=D (T.T ouch) 1.Fingerstyle 2. Picking 3. Strumming
Its beautiful...more beautiful than anything i heard or seen in anything, the music backed with emotions and subtle notes laden with tears~
Hah~ a thought suddenly struck me~ guess it was just like the rest a whirlwind romance. Really got over it this time~ it was all worth the pain but all for nothing much actually~ they say why ignore the whole forest for just one tree? Well now i would more of say, its just that special :'D hah shall leave it in God's hands to do whatever he deems the best for me~
Anyways am pretty happy now that i can see my wife again tomorrow!! Locked her up in a dusty old room for a month already :( must bring her out again, spend time with her!!! Love her <3 XDD FA much T^T haish!! Then ice skating with aaron and then off to the bbq at my godmother's~ missed her family quite abit!! Gonna get teased by her daughters much again :( but hey, its really a joy to be with the girls ~ hehe ^~^
Shall not emo anymore, shall leave my tears and pain for my guitar to show, and my body to express when i dance. Won't let the pain affect me any longer...have to stop playin with my own emotions ._. time to rein them in but hey, the wait'll be worth it~ might wait again, but never forever because everybody will die one day^^ ogosh what am i saying... I feel horrible when i see old people rush. I always think...赶着去投胎?!? Okay i'm pretty horrible ._. hai and i still blush when i'm near a very pretty girl... That makes twice today!! >\\\< getting carried awayyyyyyyy asdfghjkl
Its beautiful...more beautiful than anything i heard or seen in anything, the music backed with emotions and subtle notes laden with tears~
Hah~ a thought suddenly struck me~ guess it was just like the rest a whirlwind romance. Really got over it this time~ it was all worth the pain but all for nothing much actually~ they say why ignore the whole forest for just one tree? Well now i would more of say, its just that special :'D hah shall leave it in God's hands to do whatever he deems the best for me~
Anyways am pretty happy now that i can see my wife again tomorrow!! Locked her up in a dusty old room for a month already :( must bring her out again, spend time with her!!! Love her <3 XDD FA much T^T haish!! Then ice skating with aaron and then off to the bbq at my godmother's~ missed her family quite abit!! Gonna get teased by her daughters much again :( but hey, its really a joy to be with the girls ~ hehe ^~^
Shall not emo anymore, shall leave my tears and pain for my guitar to show, and my body to express when i dance. Won't let the pain affect me any longer...have to stop playin with my own emotions ._. time to rein them in but hey, the wait'll be worth it~ might wait again, but never forever because everybody will die one day^^ ogosh what am i saying... I feel horrible when i see old people rush. I always think...赶着去投胎?!? Okay i'm pretty horrible ._. hai and i still blush when i'm near a very pretty girl... That makes twice today!! >\\\< getting carried awayyyyyyyy asdfghjkl
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