Just that one day i saw her down, turned me into a careless fanatic rambling about how i would protect her, how i would let her stand again then slowly go away. Didn't expect my boorish heart to get in the way... Soon all i knew was, i had fallen for her. Not the silly crush that kids have on each other, but a deep, quiet feeling. Inexplicably, i tried my hardest to help her up. Quite the bumpy road with lots of obstacles...but i guess she did move on. We had became close friends, sometimes she would tell me about her problems and so would i. I'd try make her laugh whenever she looked down at the floor while we walked. I took her as a lover, but she saw me only as a friend.It all amounted to a one-sided feeling...from me. I took every chance, but the words would always die in my throat. Cowardice was something i hated yet someone i am...
One fine day, we really quarreled for the first time. The light of my life burned me and left me blinded. I didn't understand a thing, why she was saying and why she needed time apart. Left...crumbled. I didn't get why she was soon also, hot and cold. Sometimes the sweetest person on earth, then as if i killed somebody. I couldn't do anything, i tried my best to understand but alas, nothing.All i could do was watch from the side as she soon drifted further and further away from me, closer and closer to another guy. He was able to make her smile, he was able to make her forget the pain and most of her, he could say he loved her,as much as she did for him. All these happened right before my very eyes. Pathetically gripping the air, trying to pull the drifted back.
How my heart aches now... We were the best of friends and now i am lucky to even be considered her friend.As much as i would have wanted her to be mine, i'd value her happiness over mine...whatever choice she chooses, guess all i can do is smile and give her my encouragement...I guess it was because i was too weak for her.Now at the least, I can give her a strong front and hopefully she'll see that I am really happy for her so she doesn't have to worry anymore. On my side, i'll keep and rewind those dusty,long-lost moments whenever i feel down, and maybe try to get over that day. Perhaps a wish i would die to have, was just one thing...how she really felt about me when she turned back as she walked away hand in hand with him. Somehow i can't believe... that we weren't meant to be together..Maybe. Someday maybe.
**
'(He's cute...but no. Its not possible for us) "A bad day...just broke up. Have been with him for so damn long. So lost...what am i supposed to do now? Who can i turn to when i'm down? I miss him so-"
"Heys~" A gentle voice woke me from my thoughts. A pair of soft eyes from this boy who somehow noticed me... "You okay?" and that's where everything began...
We'd gotten to know each other more. He was really quite the kind soul, unlike any other guy i met. Sincere unlike all the other assholes who'd only stay for a game. I find how he approached me for the first time really cute. He really tiptoed over to me so he won't disturb me. But well...i'm honestly scared. I don't want to fall for another heartbreaker., another cheap player. I knew, he was different from all the rest and he said he had feelings for me. His was...love? I could feel it coming from him...literally. It was just coming off him and the way he looked at me like I was the only thing that mattered to him.He showered me with all his attention and time, cheered me when i was down and all the sweetest things a boy could do for a girl. He was a total dork too! A real sweetheart. Yes, i had an infatuation growing for him... but i didnt want to give him the wrong idea, so i treated him more like a friend. I mean...how long can an infatuation last?
One day. Out of the blue, we quarreled. For the littlest thing..I was just a little annoyed and tired that day and he stepped on my toes.. and maybe it was a little harsh of me but i shouted at him.He became desperate, like someone i never met before when, its really then how much i realised i meant to him. I realised he never wanted to see me cry again...He let tears fall infront of me, his pain-stained tears... I was the heart breaker this time. It hurt me more this time...i wanted to cry too. I finally realised I loved him too.. But i've did enough. I dont want to hurt him anymore...i knew i wasn't good enough for someone like him...i realised i loved him too but i couldn't stay for him...he should not be crying for trash like me when there are better girls out there...for him.
I purposely got close to another guy, and avoided him completely at times.I wanted him to let go of me but he was persistent. Until that day...i held the other guy's hand and walked away from him. I saw the hurt in his eyes...the feeling came back in my chest. But no...it was horrible, an explosion in my heart.I could only take a glance back as i walked hand in hand with this other guy knowing that i'm walking away from the boy of my dreams... But now its too late to solve it isn't it. I miss being in his arms..
I miss writing like this.
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