I guess soon enough i will replace my original site back to this.Only a few people know what it is and i really needed that time of privacy to .. really get things off my mind.
Recover is faster than i expected, he came just as quickly as he went. But still...I guess it means he will come whenever i face huge traumas. Talk about a built in protector huh. Now there is his presence whenever i'm sad, guilty,angry, tired even. Jealous maybe, envious sometimes. Managed to push him all the way to the back of my head yesterday. I won the battle but i think...I haven't won the war yet. I'm left with a numbed mind...the kind anti depressants make you feel. My heart feels stone hard again. I don't have my usual full range of emotions... There's that limit to how happy and how sad i can become. Now i'm back a little to being chatty but... not all of me is back yet. And it won't be so quickly after all. This one instance did take a huge toll on me.
"I'm supposed to be the soldier, who never blows his composure. Even though i hold the weight of the whole world on my shoulder,i ain't supposed to show it, my crew ain't supposed to know it. Even if it means going toe-to-toe with a benzino it don't matter, I'd never drag 'em in battle that i can handle unless i absolutely have to i'm supposed to set an example"
-Eminem,Like Toy Soldiers
This line speaks to me so much. I find it pathetic that I am supposed to be a leader,from NCC even, the one that swore i would never let anyone feel the way i did before. What's happening now? I can't really feel anything now but i can feel the same brute anger now directed at myself in my heart and that and, yeah. I feel like a bum. Just utterly useless.
Damage is done, hurting and still hurting, i'm still angry. What should have been sobbed over,I cried my part. I feel...drained. I'm doing all i can to get up and i don't know, it feels as if its not enough. There's something or someone missing.
Tonight i sit out under the stars again and i see a very familiar person. i haven't seen her since...I was in pri 5? It's been many years and she still looks like the prettiest girl i've ever met. Plus a really kind heart,sensitive and family-oriented. Too bad i played with her then.
How have you been Hillary?
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