Close your eyes. Think of one person. No name is being mentioned, but someone does appear right? That's probably the person you care for the most right now.
Now think of a situation where you are about to lose your life. Who comes to mind? This time, it probably is the people who you care for subconsciously.
When i close mine, it's filled with all the people i toyed with in the past. They all have the same, downcast expression. Empty eyes, a frown of pain. It makes me feel...i don't know. The guilt just stacks higher and higher with every person i manipulate, conscious or unconsciously. Urgh... I want to wipe the faces off these memories, but i know they will haunt me worse than now. So i keep them but the guilt slowly builds. And now, i want an escape route. No way out of my own head as these memories slowly close in on me, surrounding me, smothering me. Their pain flows out like poison, wisping the air and sparking into my body. Every strain another pain, every tear another fear. Layers of thinking and thoughts build. I used to be able to hold and switch between almost 15 layers. Now after the breakdown, only 6 with reduced focus. It's... Scary. When the rest of the layers are not controlled by me, or at least this me. Confused of my feelings when so many layers are moving about. All these people...no way i can do anything to atome for my mistake. They'll just hold a place of regret in my heart. Almost a hundred of them...
But when it comes to the scenario of death, only... My family, my brothers, and the closest friends come to mind. Thank God it is always just a number of people. I can't thank God more for these people. Even so...i feel like i'm more of a burden to them, like everything i do is going to bring more harm than good in the long run. I try and try but it's never enough. I fight all these while but it seems...it never was the right thing to do. What's the point...
All i think is, what did i do wrong? What right have i ever done? Sorry for ever hurting. I should have done this, i should have done that. Was what i did right? Then i realise. Every thing i do, is going to hurt someone. I can't please the world. Every step i take will kill another. This is the world we live in, where only the fittest survive.
Yet...i'm this weak.
Caring is all about doing things for a person, to make that person smile and all that's best for the person, to have a feeling of care for the person, right?
I wish it was that childish.
Here's the irony of people. Some love to leave, others leave to love. I got both. But only recently...i had to do the latter. I knew what would happened if we continued. I chose the harsher way... Regrets now, but better than regrets later.
Caring also means doing things to make someone happy. Even if it means leaving, walking away at their lowest, if it means they become better, i'll still do it. The end matters more than now...
Even if it means to nag. To argue. To give. To sacrifice. To let. Just giving is caring, but still...i feel like. No matter how much i try for others, people will never be satisfied. I already lost two people dear to me. I can't afford to lose anymore... Like how i was selfish. How i thought my way would work but instead, everything screwed up. Now i'm left here...torn. Broken. Lost.
Love is defined differently by every person. Another might find love in a perosn they care for. For me, it is to see that genuine smile of that person after she has gone through a tough time, to take care of the person emotionally. Till the end. My first marraige to be my only.
It is when i feel bliss with the person and not just comfort around. Bliss came to me only once. When i held her in my arms, and saw her smile and her feeling secure.That is what adults call puppy love. That's my definition of it. No real meaning, as long as it can give me bliss.
Feelings are really...messed up. Its not of time but now all i can want is that someone to be there for me. Maybe not physically, that'll be a bonus. Just that...someone. I don't know how i should be feeling. So many layers are overlapping. When is the last time someone said those words to me? When was the last time i felt secure and safe? When was really the time i felt... Like someone was my support? I've supported many, i've seen them recover and take better. I can't even help myself...Stress is going to build up. And knowing a little of psychology myself, a person will almost always look back on something he did not have in his yesteryears. Now i'm caving in.
People say, when you have no one to rely on, rely on yourself. Did that, been there, done that. Now even on myself i feel the strain.Now i wish...i could have someone i feel i love, and love me in return to support me. But the people whom it actually happened that i have true mutual feelings with, have already left. Last run...
Laugh at me, hate me, dislike me. In the end, i earn a spot in your mind, while you earn a spot somewhere in "wait for me to give a fuck"
Underneath that happy mask, is really...someone yearning for the attention of someone he cares for. Childish. But it's something i missed when i was much younger, when i was at the most critical part of my growing. Nobody to blame but myself. People say it's not my priority. But it's something i want unconsciously. So much like a kid right?
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