Well...unlucky

First day again with him in my head. Today was...especially hard to say the least. I didn't dare to go too near anyone or to laugh too happily and I had to keep away from anything that might upset me because every single moment i can feel him there...struggling to surface. I kept feeling anxious the whole day for no reason. Made worse by the fact I almost did not sleep last night...and it was a big big must to isolate myself from them. He fully surfaced twice but because of something. I don't really know what that was but he surfaced and went back down again. Once in class, when i was taking the first nap and once outside,after the lecture. And both times i didn't dare to look at anyone in the eye. It's strange and really stupid how things can take such a huge change in just a week.And even now as i write he fights and i can feel his presence there. I'm impatient to have this done and over with but if i'm sloppy i might not recover fully and that scares me. Once is bad, twice is horrible and i dont want a third. I guess the scariest part was on the bridge. He knew that the person that caused me to relapse was nearby and he was really ready to attack and i guess... i gripped my palm too hard :/

I don't know anymore. This DID... did my research on it. MDD too. And i display quite a range of symptoms there. Blank memories...constant headaches. Violent tendencies. Doing things i normally wont. Severe Isolation. Stupidly huge mood swings.Panic attacks.All that.It's really fucking scary to face it alone. My head is never at rest so i tire especially quickly. And worse still the nightmares doesnt stop. I dont dare to fall asleep...I dont dare to talk to people.This is getting nowhere. It'll take maybe weeks to get out of this, maybe have the situation improve a little. Maybe by some miracle someone can come by and like give me the reason to fight on. This time...I don't exactly have a pillar of support to rely on. i mean sure i have friends and all but I need someone there when my emotions run high and I get unstable. It can actually even be something that makes me recover faster.

But...I found two ways to exploit my proper side. Music. Piano music, yiruma, sungha, all that. And people. I even made a collage so hopefully everytime i feel unstable, i can look at the picture and remind myself to be there for those people. Hopefully. I really miss being able to talk to people face to face without being scared of going crazy right there and then.

For now...there's that permenant etch of fear there and it gets heavier every time i feel guilty or angry...the biggest reason i dont want to talk to anyone about this. Here i can still scream stuff out and whether you want to read it...doesnt concern me. The more morbid stuff...will be left to my original blog.